I often say the phrase ‘people love you until they don’t.’
It’s a bit confusing and sounds almost obvious or verbose. Duh, you say?
What I’m meaning to say is that there is a point when love runs out for some people, and similar feelings like respect, decency, fairness or friendship also drain away with that love.
There are several exes I can and do still talk to. That is because they recognise that breaking up was not something they did to me or something I inflicted on them. Instead it was a sad event in our lives, which carried emotionally charged mindsets at the time.
Some exes are no longer in contact with me. Not coincidentally, they do not speak to any of their exes either. Unsurprisingly, when we were together, they could only find negative things to say about their exes. It’s a marker of immaturity really. I have friends who share children with exes and they are much more mature about it. I think there’s something to be said of the maturity that comes with parenthood.
In 2019, I met these two men. One a Canadian and the other a South Australian. Somewhere down the track we ended up in a polyamorous relationship known to some as a thruple.
The relationship ended terribly. More terrible than necessary. Amidst their cheating, mind games, lies and sulking, my response was less than ideal. You know the type. The histrionics that reduce us to unstable adolescents. Unfortunately now, that has no doubt become my single defining characteristic.
I have tried repeatedly to remember the good times, to help me make peace, but I am stuck on a few things. For one ex, he was generally well-intentioned, but his deep-seeded trauma and lack of self esteem drove him to betray both of us in multiple ways.
The other was someone far more sinister. Looking back, the pattern should have been clear. All his exes had been tarnished by his words in some way, he had lost very close friends over the years, and people in our current lives didn’t appear to like him on first impression. On top of this, our other partner repeatedly came to me to express feeling abused, unloved or neglected, which would later be used against me reversing the script.
The stories about their exes were full of drama too. People jumping through windows, drinks thrown in people’s faces, and cheating. Lots and lots of cheating. Every story sounded like an episode of The Real Housewives and each character was described as morally bankrupt, crazy, nasty, disloyal or promiscuous. Each character, except for them.
At the start of the relationship, I recieved really expensive gifts or went on expensive dinner dates. I couldn’t work out why this made me uncomfortable. During this time however, one partner would describe their home decor as things the two of them chose together, but the sinister one saw things differently.
“That’s mine. So is that! Most of this stuff is mine.” He said glibly, as he poured me expensive scotch and flirted with me.
The less sinister one tried to convince me not to be uncomfortable with the gifts. But something stirred in me. Then a pattern was identified. Gifts came on payday which in of itself is just poor budgeting, but about a week out from payday the gift bearer would magically forget his wallet when out, or worse… a few times he would actially reach into our other partner’s wallet and use his credit card, as though he had claim over it.
One day I was told a sad story about how a favourite shelf of one of theirs was thrown out, but there was a swift and snappy retort of “It was mine. I paid for it.”
That’s when I realised who I was dealing with. I realise now that this was a man who possessed things, and that included people. How else can you explain a polyamorous man who became jealous if another man so much as spoke to either of us?
When people break up with partners who are like this troubled individual, the person being broken up with becomes enraged that their possession has been taken away from them. If as a friend, you betray them in any way, say by warning their current partner that they are having an affair, you have also betrayed them. Their loyalty is to what serves them. Not to what is right, ethical or honest.
This is a Sociopath.
From that point on they will control the script, reveal only a curated truth and deny anything that doesn’t portray them well. They must win. It is their sad, personal struggle. Feel pity for them, as their path to human connection is through deals, power and manipulation.
But people love us until they don’t. That is, they once claimed to respect us, but now they they want to see us suffer? We must ask ourselves why their respect was conditional on us putting up with their tired and poor behaviours.
I want to remind you that we can be friends with exes. After all, we are all human. I regret that the story of this relationship does not portray polyamory well. It is not the terms of the relationship that broke it. It is the poor behaviour of people. But exes will sometimes avoid you because it’s a way to avoid the unfiltered story. Below is a perfect example of my most recent ex and I having a laugh.
I hope that this story helps you reflect as I have, on the way we fall in love with new partners. Is it possible to love someone without foolishly believing that they will never turn on you? With any luck, we will pick a partner who doesn’t even have it in their nature to turn on us at all.
#thruple #polyamory #sociopathy #exes #gayrelationships #survivingabusiverelationships