Trigger warning: Anyone who suffers clinical depression/anxiety, is in an abusive relationship or who has lost their job may find some of the sentiments in this blog triggering.
COVID-19 is upon us and people are in a panicked state of change. Their lives as they knew it have changed. Their world as they knew it has changed.
For me I expected it to be really awful. I’m a very social person and I get energy from laughing with and having experiences with others.
And it’s been challenging so far. But mostly because sometimes I want to rip another man’s clothes off his body or have him push me up against the shower wall.
Besides that, my life hasn’t changed a great deal to be honest. The way I do things has altered slightly but my interests have kept me occupied as always.
Stage 3 lockdown means that I can still exercise and go to get groceries so I’m doing just that. I grab my bike and I ride it through the park. If a friend wanted to join me, then I’m sure they can stay 2 metres away on a bicycle.
Working from home isn’t hard either. Every morning my team gets on video chat and talks about how they are going, both personally and professionally. We chat online and tell numerous dad jokes. Most of us have mobile phones these days so calling people is easy too.
But it’s now 7pm and I’m looking for something to do. Oh I know. I’ll do what I’ve always done. I’ll grab my sketch pad and draw someone. The good news is that in today’s age of thirsty gay men, there’s going to be some exhibitionist on Instagram who’ll send me some pics that I can use.
An hour later I’m wondering what my best friend is doing so I video chat her on Messenger. Same dramas as usual as we talk about the crap in our respective lives.
I get online and log into Scruff, a gay dating app. A few guys in open relationships message me. My fuse starts burning. I think to myself, is your partner really that fucking boring? Another guy messages me.
“You’re so hot. Can I come over and fuck you?” My fuse burns a little more. Don’t they understand the social distancing laws?
I message someone who seems half decent “Hey how’s it going?”
The response is awkward. “I’m so fucking bored!” He says to me, “I haven’t had sex in weeks.”
“Bored or horny?” I ask, with a slight eye roll.
“Same thing lol” he replies. I sarcastly scoff to myself, thinking this guy is so basic it hurts. I end the chat.
I go online and watch some porn. The next few hours are spent getting in touch with my body in ways I wasn’t even aware of. I climax. It’s explosive.
But it’s at that point that I realise I’m going to bed alone. Then again, was that ever any different for us single people?
Being someone who finds a way, the next day I have a video date. It goes remarkably well and we have a 2nd and 3rd later that week. By this time we would have ordinarily been intimate.
And that’s what I miss. The first kiss from someone when the chemistry is flying through the roof. And playing footsies as you spoon each other to sleep. That feeling that you can still smell them on your body after they’ve gone home and the smile you let out when they ask to see you again.
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Disclaimer: this blog is not meant to be insensitive to anyone who is suffering through isolation from mental illness, relationship abuse, or job loss. What we are going through is life-changing for many and I recognise my privilege. If you have taken offence, I sincerely apologise.
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Phoenix 